Guest Post By Scott Simpson-Smith
It’s funny — life often just sneaks up on us and ambushes us when we least expect it. In terms of relationships, we often experience that when things seem to be going great, but there’s a sudden loss, or a break up, or some kind of other major change. If we’re well-loved by our friends (and perhaps even if we’re not!), we’ll get an outpouring of comforting and advice. That’s great — it does take away a little bit of the sting — but it unfortunately usually doesn’t make it a whole lot easier to deal with our pain. And, unfortunately again, that pain often spreads and has an impact in other parts of our lives.
As someone in the “business” of relationship advice, I hear all the time about how for many people, it seems everything just reminds them of their ex. Even trying to get out and have a bit of a life can pose problems, as most of us who’ve been in a relationship for a while have mutual friends, and this raises all kinds of awkward situations. It also tends to affect people at work, causing lost productivity, and if severe or enduring enough, that can create its own cycle of problems. I often joke that we could cure our nation’s economic woes just by banning relationships, but I digress…
No matter what the scenario, we do end up in a position where we need to make a choice — try to get our ex back, or move on. Although I tend to provide a lot of advice to others in terms of how to get their ex back, I often tell them that neither choice is a mistake — the old saying is true, “there are plenty of fish in the sea,” and besides, I tend to think the whole “soulmate” or “the one” argument is a little bit bogus. So, if you make the choice to move on, be assured you will find love again. That’s simply how the universe works! So, how does one move on?
The first thing that people need to do is break free from guilt. You’d be surprised how many people can spend huge amounts of time in that “zone” where they feel terrible about the breakup, and get into a cycle of self-blame and self-reproach. The fact is you know yourself better than anyone, and thus only you can make the right decisions for what’s best for you. You don’t need to feel obligated to anyone for doing so, or feel bad because someone got hurt in the process as long as you’re not being malicious — remember that such things are almost always unavoidable.
The next thing I usually suggest is that people break off contact with their ex. I know people who kind of loiter around with them on their Facebook profiles, send them the odd text message, and so on — but it’s important to recognize the less one has to deal with them, the better. If it’s them contacting you, you can also put up some barriers… especially in the first few days of the breakup. You won’t die without answering your phone or not reading their e-mails. Although thankfully very rare, if they’re persistent to the point of being harassing or stalking you, you will have to put your foot down — and warn them that you don’t want contact with them, and if that doesn’t work, seek help from your local authorities.
My final piece of advice to getting over a breakup is to avoid gossip about your ex. I know many feel they need to tell people how bad the relationship was, or feel a need to explain whose fault the break up was, but avoid this for the simple reason that if you engage in that kind of behavior, you’re just prolonging your mental and emotional attachment to them. So make it a rule not to spread gossip about your ex, and not to listen to it if you’re exposed to it, either.
Remember: time heals all wounds, and if you can manage to efficiently break off your emotional attachment to your ex — should you decide it’s the right thing to move on — you can quite efficiently get over the break up, and move on with your life. Good luck!
Scott Simpson-Smith is a relationship “guru” and co-founder of Free Breakup Course – a relationship advice website that specializes in helping those going through a breakup.